Isn't that normally the other way around? Most of the time. For most people changes in life are normal, but for chronic pain individuals anything that takes us away from our coping mechanisms can cause higher pain, more medication, more time down later, not to mention an increase in emotions during and after the incident. In a normal situation, I can be up about three times a day, for no more than 45 minutes at a time, doing a little around the house. One of those times is first thing in the morning when I help the kids get ready for and out to school. One of the things I can do is cook an absolute killer breakfast sandwich. Other kids at school vie for the chance of getting one of the two I make each weekday (my ten year old doesn't do eggs, so she misses out!). I've even had a few put in a special request to replace the ham with bacon! Some mornings (actually this morning) my pain was just too high and I couldn't stand long enough to make the usual delight.
That's my point, your pain interrupted your life. Okay, this time. However, the other day it was certainly the other way around. On a Tuesday evening, my teenage daughter had an accident while performing with her cheer squad. Apparently she hit her head on the floor during a dance routine, but continued although shaken. At the end of the routine the dance called for a flier to be tossed into the air, but because of a missing teammate, the flier went sideways and my daughter dove under to catch and help break her fall. So two separate injuries in one routine. When I got her home, I examined her (using my old paramedic and nursing skills and knowledge) and she seemed to be okay. The next morning though, Shannon had complaints of dizziness and nausea. After dropping my younger daughter at school, I took Shannon to the nearest emergency room, knowing she would need a CT scan. This is where life interrupts my pain. There was no other way to deal with her head injury. Normally, there would be no way for me to stay upright for that amount of time, but for the sake of my daughter I did what had to be done. After her CT scan and some neck x-rays, she was diagnosed with a simple brain injury (is there such a thing?) and told to take the remainder of the day off, and no physical exertion for the next 48-72 hours. Of course, if there were any other problems, we would have had to bring her back, but thankfully she did fine with some rest. She had a pretty bad headache, but that's a small price to pay for what could have been a real problem.
So if you could be up that long for her, why can't you always do that? That's really the crux of the matter, isn't it? How is it that people who claim chronic pain or some disability do something they say they can't, when it seems suits them? Isn't that proof they are faking their injury? I believe if it proves anything it is that God gives us grace. Now some may say it was adrenaline that gave me the ability to stay up that long, but as anyone who has had to sit in the ER and wait on tests will tell you; there's not a whole lot of adrenaline pumping while you wait, and wait, and wait. And we waited, even my daughter kept apologizing for me having to be up. Over the last five years of my disability, I've had to do the same thing with my father on two separate occasions. I tell everyone that God and I have a deal, He get's me though the issue and I'll pay for it later. So far, it has worked out pretty well. On the rare occasion that something goes wrong and I need to take care of family, I find a strength in God that allows me to do what is needed. The days that follow can be quite severe when it comes to my pain, often requiring additional pain medication, rubs, and maybe even a heating pad, but it is a small price to pay. The biggest issue is how I handle it emotionally. There is a real danger for a chronic pain individual to get depressed when there comes something that we want to do and cannot, or have done something we needed to and then have to pay the higher cost. It is then that I rely on God, truly learning to lean on Him when the pain gets bad, because I know that He was with me when I was needed by someone else. There is no alternative to faith, no substitute. It becomes at its core, the difference between knowing about God and knowing God. When life interrupts pain, it is God who sees me through, and God who sees me back to normal--even though my normal isn't normal to normal folks.
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23 February 2010
15 February 2010
Starting Over is Painful, Well-More Painful
Starting over what? Well, anything really. I guess the most common example would be for those who have exercised for a period of time, then stop for whatever reason, and then attempt to go back. Sometimes, starting over is harder than the first time. When you've been there before, you know how sore your muscles are going to be, you're painfully aware of how much you've lost during the time away. I remember when I first went into the Army, although I thought I exercised in high school, I had no idea what real work outs were like. I continued to workout for years, but eventually had to take time off while in culinary school due to time restraints. Starting again, was not so easy.
What does this have to do with your usual discussions on pain and being Christian? Just like getting back to exercise, getting back to prayer, reading of Scripture, or attending church can be just as difficult. The pain may not be physical, but if we have made God first in our lives at some point prior, turning back to Him can be very difficult. Part of it is facing our sin, part of it might be the realization that we have let God down, and then part of it may be that we have been angry or disappointed with God. Any of these reasons can cause us to have spiritual pain, the hurt that is the realization of sin within our lives. This pain can range, like all pain, from discomfort to a truly agonizing experience; it all depends on the reasons and the amount of the time we've had away from the Lord.
Have you had personal experience with this? Sure. In my own life, there are times when my physical pain does not allow me to concentrate on reading Scripture. Sometimes I've even been unable just to listen to a sermon on the net because my mind wanders. In those times, even prayer can be elusive, my mind unable to focus on God; leaving me feeling alone and lost. When I am able to get back, it isn't always as simple as just picking up again. I know what I need to do, but for whatever reason, it seems to be more difficult than it should be. Once my physical pain level is down, I should be able to just pick up the Holy Bible and start reading where I left off. I should be able to take some quiet time and talk to God, using what I refer to as my trinity of prayer; praise, confession, and thanksgiving. It's not the praise I have a hard time with, that's never an issue. I guess, well it's not really a guess, I know it's the confession part I have trouble with. That's the spiritually painful part. It's because I feel like I'm not gaining in wisdom, not maturing in the faith that's the issue. I define wisdom as: life experience + knowledge/Scripture = Wisdom. I have plenty of life experience and I have a lot of knowledge, mostly useless knowledge, but somehow I still seem unable to truly divide that experience and knowledge by the Word, so as to have any real growth or any maturity as a Christian. So when I fall, and I often do, getting started again is almost terrifyingly painful.
So, do you get through it, or just give up? I get through it, although admittedly it's tough, it's painful. It shouldn't be, I knowingly start with Psalm 51. I know that when we do things wrong, God can still use it for His good. I know that all of God's great prophets and evangelists have done things wrong, but He still loves them. In plain terms, I've got to get over myself! It's no surprise to God that I make mistakes. Like the prodigal son who's father ran out to meet him, I know the Lord has His arms open, ready to greet me back. It's time for me to stop wasting time being afraid of the pain of starting over again, and remember my Father is waiting for me, and it is hurting Him that I am away. Maybe that's the key to maturing in the faith and getting past my pain.
What does this have to do with your usual discussions on pain and being Christian? Just like getting back to exercise, getting back to prayer, reading of Scripture, or attending church can be just as difficult. The pain may not be physical, but if we have made God first in our lives at some point prior, turning back to Him can be very difficult. Part of it is facing our sin, part of it might be the realization that we have let God down, and then part of it may be that we have been angry or disappointed with God. Any of these reasons can cause us to have spiritual pain, the hurt that is the realization of sin within our lives. This pain can range, like all pain, from discomfort to a truly agonizing experience; it all depends on the reasons and the amount of the time we've had away from the Lord.
Have you had personal experience with this? Sure. In my own life, there are times when my physical pain does not allow me to concentrate on reading Scripture. Sometimes I've even been unable just to listen to a sermon on the net because my mind wanders. In those times, even prayer can be elusive, my mind unable to focus on God; leaving me feeling alone and lost. When I am able to get back, it isn't always as simple as just picking up again. I know what I need to do, but for whatever reason, it seems to be more difficult than it should be. Once my physical pain level is down, I should be able to just pick up the Holy Bible and start reading where I left off. I should be able to take some quiet time and talk to God, using what I refer to as my trinity of prayer; praise, confession, and thanksgiving. It's not the praise I have a hard time with, that's never an issue. I guess, well it's not really a guess, I know it's the confession part I have trouble with. That's the spiritually painful part. It's because I feel like I'm not gaining in wisdom, not maturing in the faith that's the issue. I define wisdom as: life experience + knowledge/Scripture = Wisdom. I have plenty of life experience and I have a lot of knowledge, mostly useless knowledge, but somehow I still seem unable to truly divide that experience and knowledge by the Word, so as to have any real growth or any maturity as a Christian. So when I fall, and I often do, getting started again is almost terrifyingly painful.
So, do you get through it, or just give up? I get through it, although admittedly it's tough, it's painful. It shouldn't be, I knowingly start with Psalm 51. I know that when we do things wrong, God can still use it for His good. I know that all of God's great prophets and evangelists have done things wrong, but He still loves them. In plain terms, I've got to get over myself! It's no surprise to God that I make mistakes. Like the prodigal son who's father ran out to meet him, I know the Lord has His arms open, ready to greet me back. It's time for me to stop wasting time being afraid of the pain of starting over again, and remember my Father is waiting for me, and it is hurting Him that I am away. Maybe that's the key to maturing in the faith and getting past my pain.
09 February 2010
Two Sides of a Coin, or Just a Bad Penny?
Does that refer to a person or an issue? In this case both. I know I have spoken about parenting and pain here before, but I did something really stupid this past weekend and it has me going back to the topic again. As a parent, I believe it is important that we have an answer ready for our kids whenever they have a question, any question about life and such. That means study and preparation. This way, when the need and opportunity arise, we can give our children the proper guidance they require.
Sounds good, what has that got to do with a coin? While I was in prayer, I began to develop a way to teach the kids about the nature of man and Christianity, I realized that after we accept Christ, we become like a coin. (I'm sure I'm not the first with such an idea, but this is what came to me) We have our human side, and then we have a new inner self, a side that shows the Holy Spirit living within us. As much as we want to be perfect and holy, it seems we can never truly separate from our human side. I prefer to show the heads side, the one that reflects our new life in Christ; however we still tend to show our "tails" side, or as they say in the South, we show our butt! By carefully reading Scripture, being in prayer, and keeping our eyes on heaven, we should be able to show the head of the coin most often.
So what makes a "bad penny"? Only one day after seeing our life in this coin metaphor, it seemed like everything began to spin out of my control. My wife, through no fault of her own, wrenched her back causing her great pain. Because of my own disability, she pushed to grocery shop and such. This caused my own anger at what I cannot do to surface, and it also caused an argument between she and I about why she pushed. Have you ever noticed that once something cracks your armor, anger can begin to snowball at every little thing? Well, that's what I let happened, until by the late afternoon I was a time bomb with seconds on the clock. When my daughters had an argument while getting dinner together, that's all it took. By the time we all got together on our master bed to eat (as I cannot sit up at a table for a meal), I had lost it. I told them (yelled actually, in what my wife refers to as my "sergeants voice") I was canceling my surgery because I couldn't trust them and because things didn't get done unless I did them. Anyone who knows our family, who has met my girls, knows how untrue this is. However, it was out there; said out loud, not ever being able to take it back. There was yelling, tears, and hurt feelings. Why? Because I showed the tail of my coin, showed my faults in a big way. In Scripture, fathers are specifically told not to bring their children to wrath, and I brought them there in first class. As my youngest cried, my eldest let me know that if her parents couldn't trust and support her, who would? Why try and why push on? It was like being stabbed in the heart, and it was all my own fault. She was right, and I could not have been more wrong.
Ouch, how do you come back from something that intense, that bad? The only way I knew. I had to stop right then and there. All my anger left me as I realized how right she was. I was deflated, I had nothing left. I apologized, knowing I could not take the words back. I had to ask for their forgiveness, from each person in the family. All I could rest on was that, as God forgives us for our sins, would they forgive me for my sins against them?
And now? Although I believe all was forgiven right at the time, people and emotions are not light switches. After something like this, it takes time for trust to be built up again. I told them about the coin metaphor and how I wanted to use the lesson at another time, but it certainly applied to me at that point. During times like these, my physical pain pales in comparison to the pain of spirit, knowing how quickly and easily I can hurt the ones I love. My only consolation in this whole mess is that I have gone to my Lord and confessed my sin against He and my family. It reminds me of just how low I can go, and how unworthy I am for His Love. That said, I also know that it is there, in abundance, because it has been His choice to Love me all along. How I mourn for those who cannot, or will not, see and accept the Love of God. As for my family, I must do all I can now to show them the same love He has shown me, at least as best I humanly can in this world. As with other trials of life, this will be dealt with in prayer; my prayer now being that I can regain my family's faith in me, and not lose their faith in God by my hypocrisy. We Christians will always have two sides of life while here on earth, we are coins with one side blessed and the other sinful. I must be always mindful that without Christ I would be nothing but a bad penny, but with Him I can and should choose to live life heads up.
Sounds good, what has that got to do with a coin? While I was in prayer, I began to develop a way to teach the kids about the nature of man and Christianity, I realized that after we accept Christ, we become like a coin. (I'm sure I'm not the first with such an idea, but this is what came to me) We have our human side, and then we have a new inner self, a side that shows the Holy Spirit living within us. As much as we want to be perfect and holy, it seems we can never truly separate from our human side. I prefer to show the heads side, the one that reflects our new life in Christ; however we still tend to show our "tails" side, or as they say in the South, we show our butt! By carefully reading Scripture, being in prayer, and keeping our eyes on heaven, we should be able to show the head of the coin most often.
So what makes a "bad penny"? Only one day after seeing our life in this coin metaphor, it seemed like everything began to spin out of my control. My wife, through no fault of her own, wrenched her back causing her great pain. Because of my own disability, she pushed to grocery shop and such. This caused my own anger at what I cannot do to surface, and it also caused an argument between she and I about why she pushed. Have you ever noticed that once something cracks your armor, anger can begin to snowball at every little thing? Well, that's what I let happened, until by the late afternoon I was a time bomb with seconds on the clock. When my daughters had an argument while getting dinner together, that's all it took. By the time we all got together on our master bed to eat (as I cannot sit up at a table for a meal), I had lost it. I told them (yelled actually, in what my wife refers to as my "sergeants voice") I was canceling my surgery because I couldn't trust them and because things didn't get done unless I did them. Anyone who knows our family, who has met my girls, knows how untrue this is. However, it was out there; said out loud, not ever being able to take it back. There was yelling, tears, and hurt feelings. Why? Because I showed the tail of my coin, showed my faults in a big way. In Scripture, fathers are specifically told not to bring their children to wrath, and I brought them there in first class. As my youngest cried, my eldest let me know that if her parents couldn't trust and support her, who would? Why try and why push on? It was like being stabbed in the heart, and it was all my own fault. She was right, and I could not have been more wrong.
Ouch, how do you come back from something that intense, that bad? The only way I knew. I had to stop right then and there. All my anger left me as I realized how right she was. I was deflated, I had nothing left. I apologized, knowing I could not take the words back. I had to ask for their forgiveness, from each person in the family. All I could rest on was that, as God forgives us for our sins, would they forgive me for my sins against them?
And now? Although I believe all was forgiven right at the time, people and emotions are not light switches. After something like this, it takes time for trust to be built up again. I told them about the coin metaphor and how I wanted to use the lesson at another time, but it certainly applied to me at that point. During times like these, my physical pain pales in comparison to the pain of spirit, knowing how quickly and easily I can hurt the ones I love. My only consolation in this whole mess is that I have gone to my Lord and confessed my sin against He and my family. It reminds me of just how low I can go, and how unworthy I am for His Love. That said, I also know that it is there, in abundance, because it has been His choice to Love me all along. How I mourn for those who cannot, or will not, see and accept the Love of God. As for my family, I must do all I can now to show them the same love He has shown me, at least as best I humanly can in this world. As with other trials of life, this will be dealt with in prayer; my prayer now being that I can regain my family's faith in me, and not lose their faith in God by my hypocrisy. We Christians will always have two sides of life while here on earth, we are coins with one side blessed and the other sinful. I must be always mindful that without Christ I would be nothing but a bad penny, but with Him I can and should choose to live life heads up.
01 February 2010
In or Out of Pain; We Need Faith & Faith Alone
Didn't the Beatles say all we need is love? Yeah, well, I've always had my issues with John Lennon, so let's just say he and I disagree. That's not to say love is unimportant, but I was recently reminded by a dear friend that we are not called to be what we think we should be, or strong, or independent, or anything we as humans can consider. To be saved from our sin, to be reconciled to our Creator, to enter into an eternity in His Kingdom, to find peace with Him, we must have faith.
Why did you need to be reminded? Aren't you okay with your pain? I accept my pain, but I'm also human. We were discussing the desire to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant" and whether that was a selfish thought or if I was doing what the Lord wants me to do, so as to hear those words. I mean, Adonai doesn't use email, so how do I know I am doing what I am suppose to be doing? My friend, Elaine, reminded me that we are called to faith, not our own knowledge or understanding. In my life, when it comes to living in pain, I found in 2 Timothy 1:12, "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day". So, I accept my pain and do the work that is before me, whatever that work is that day. Maybe my task is this blog, or maybe it is just parenting my two daughters. With Stefanie away each week working in another city, it makes it that much difficult to parent our girls as we would like to--together. Maybe it's just being, making the most of my time with the people I occasionally meet when I am out, or via the internet. In the end, it is by faith that I entrust myself and my work to He whom I have faith in.
Why did you need to be reminded? Aren't you okay with your pain? I accept my pain, but I'm also human. We were discussing the desire to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant" and whether that was a selfish thought or if I was doing what the Lord wants me to do, so as to hear those words. I mean, Adonai doesn't use email, so how do I know I am doing what I am suppose to be doing? My friend, Elaine, reminded me that we are called to faith, not our own knowledge or understanding. In my life, when it comes to living in pain, I found in 2 Timothy 1:12, "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day". So, I accept my pain and do the work that is before me, whatever that work is that day. Maybe my task is this blog, or maybe it is just parenting my two daughters. With Stefanie away each week working in another city, it makes it that much difficult to parent our girls as we would like to--together. Maybe it's just being, making the most of my time with the people I occasionally meet when I am out, or via the internet. In the end, it is by faith that I entrust myself and my work to He whom I have faith in.
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