In Pain: To Share or Not to Share?

Isn't That Hamlet's Question?  No, I already have Hamlet's question taken care of; his question, "To be, or not to be" is easily answered for me.  I be in pain.  The question here is how much do I share regarding that pain?  From where I stand (or lay) I ask, when does a disabled person go from sharing their concerns and needs, and moving into passive aggression or just flat out annoyance? 

You Could Say That About Anyone, Regarding Anything Though.  True, but for other people, they don't always have to rely on others for some basic activities of life.  Even a single parent, who has a daunting task, may want to have a friend to lean on and yet not need them to do something for them except listen. With someone like me, who must ask for help in so many different areas of my life, there must come a point of overload.  Let's face it, I've been physically disabled over five years now.  I am seriously considering a surgery that will put me in the hospital for three to five days (probably five for me, since the surgeon has decided to use part of my hip bone to use in grafting my back fusion) and then at least a fortnight at home not being able to do anything.  The healing will take between three to six months, and even then I will not be completely healed, still disabled.  During this time period, I am still a husband and father, son and brother, nephew and friend.  How can I feel anything but...well a kind of shame or embarrassment by being down so completely?  I know it's my pride, but having to rely on others for some basic needs is difficult.


But It's Not Like There's a Choice, You Can't Do Things.  True again, but have you seen the news lately?  Why do you think healthcare is such a hot button issue?  Here in South Carolina, did you know our jobless rate is over 12%?  During the past two years, do you believe that bankruptcy and divorce rates have gone down?  My point is that we live in a fallen world, and living today we may feel like the world still falling, not just fallen. So knowing how difficult life is for everyone, how do I ask for help?  As fellow Christians, my church mates may feel duty bound to help when in fact they are not in a position to do so.  My own concern, and most probably the concern of every disabled individual, is when are we imposing?  Those of us who need help are always aware that there is a point when we are intruding into other peoples' lives.   

So, What's the Answer?  I don't have one, because in many ways we are all in need.  The only thing I know for sure is that the Lord provides, just as he provided Abraham with the ram to take the place of his son Isaac.  I have to trust that when I am in need, God Almighty will bring into my life the person, or people, that can help me without a it being burden on themselves.  By relying on God, and not my own ideas, I try and allow His plan to unfold without me getting in His way.  Being disabled brings about patience in me (trust me), while being a caregiver brings about compassion and perseverance in others.  These traits are important to God and I have found that He can use pain and suffering to teach us traits such as this.  So, how do I know when to share my need or take care of this task on my own, whether that increases my pain or not?  The answer is found in prayer and trust; the answer is found in His Word.  That does not always make is easy or perfect, but we were never promised either and I'm okay with that.

Parenting IN Pain, but Not FROM Pain

Is there a difference?  A huge one.  It's one thing that I am in pain, but it's a another thing altogether to parent my two girls from a position of pain. When my back has hurt pretty bad, I've lashed out in frustration and anger and done nothing but shown my own faults to my girls.  It didn't matter that I was in pain though; as a father, I should be treating my girls as they need to be treated.


So How Can You Control the Difference?  Sometimes, not well.  To parent correctly, I have found that knowing myself and my own faults is the first step.  Now I'm not speaking as in Eastern philosophy, I am speaking about knowing my human faults in light of the Gospels.  If I see myself as a child of God, and see my own issues in how I obey (or more than likely fail to obey) my Father in heaven, then I can look at my own children and see that we are on the same journey.  I may be in physical pain, but I have a teenager who may be in an altogether other pain--the teen angst.  My ten year old is, in her young life, dealing with her own walk in this sinful world.  So basically, it comes down to being the elder journeyman, and showing how I handle my own duty to my God.  

Now, I can only know myself in light of the Gospels if I continually read and learn from them.  I need time in prayer and take the time to listen for the Lord.  The second point that I must attend to is to know when my body is rebelling, and communicate that to the family as calmly as possible.  If they know, than they are in a better position to help themselves, and me, in getting past this point without issue. 


Is it Working?  I think so.  Obviously, only God knows the heart of each person, but I believe I have had some proof of late.  First, my eldest daughter, a cheerleader and lead soprano, was nominated for homecoming court.  As such, she had to give a speech that was based on the Fruit of the Spirit.  She chose Love and Patience, using 1 Cor 13:4-8a as both her supporting verse and choosing it for her life verse.  Her speech was about how my disability changed our family dynamic.  How without love and patience, as taught and given by Christ, she would not be able to cope.  Her speech was so well received, it became the talk of the school for several days.  In my youngest daughter's life, she had parent's day at her gymnastics studio.  The instructor kept saying, "Look at you parents!".  Each time it was like a knife in her little heart.  However, when she came home, she was open and talked to me about it.  There was no blame, no complaining, just the desire that I could have been there; that her mom did not have to work so far away from home during the week.  She wants us to be in her life.  They both do.  They still talk to us, spend time with us, and look to us as their parents.  They do what they are told (sometimes begrudgingly) and they know we will punish as we deem necessary.  They come to us for comfort, for guidance and wisdom.  Maybe not in their words, but in truth nonetheless.  Most importantly though, they know we love them unconditionally.  This would not be the case if I allowed my pain to rule the roost.  Who would want to approach a dad that only wanted to share their pain--loudly?



Pain is what I have, but I resolve to bring my children up by putting that pain aside, and parenting by love.

Will I Be a Proper Knight in 2010?

You had too much to drink last night, didn't you? No, not at all, thank you very much.  I know knighthood is something that was left in the past, even long past.  However, as I lay here with this wretched pain, I know that I can make a difference in and for my family.  Why as a knight though?  Well, as usual with me, I look to the past to see the reason for my future.


What exactly was, or is, a knight? That's a good question, and a good place to start.  Actually taken from early Roman rule, knights were not much more than fighters who were rich enough to own a horse.  In time, it became a status symbol of wealth and power.  It developed for centuries, and it wasn't until Europe in the 12th century that knighthood reached its height.  

Boys started at the age of three, on the road to a long and laborious work and career.  On the night before his knighting the young man, now of about eighteen to twenty years of age, would take a bath, dress in white, fast, make confession, and spend all night in chapel praying for the Lord's guidance during his life as a knight. He would enter the great hall in the morning for the ceremony, his sword hung around his neck.  Here, he and his sword were blessed by a priest, then he was knighted by either his father or the lord he squired for.  


So why would we need knights today?  It's not like there's a whole lot of horses, slashing, and open field battles today!  True, and yet not.  Knighthood was about ideals, not just warfare. Great ideals, a great love of God, and the desire to protect those who were in need.  And as Peter told us, the Evil One goes about like a lion, seeking those whom he may devour; so there are battles today.


So what does a Knight of the 21st Century do?  CS Lewis, the Christian author and the one who penned the Narnia series, also wrote about what Christian knights of today.  He believed that a modern day knight should have these ten qualities: Loyalty, Kindness, Humility, Purity, Servant-Leadership, Honesty, Self-Discipline, Excellence, Integrity, and Perseverance.  In Ephesians, Paul tells us that the Lord gives all His own the Armor of God.  So what does a knight today do?  When knights wake, they praises their Lord and Master, giving thanks for all God has done, and pray for the help of the Holy Spirit for themselves, and for those on their prayer list.  As knights dress, they make sure that they consciously put on the armor of God.  They check their sword, the symbol of knighthood; Paul tells us that our sword is the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, so they take time to read His Word and have it ready on their lips.  During the day, they have the courage to stand up against the Evil One, to always have ready the reason for their hope.  This is our role as knights of the Most High in this lifetime, in this 21st century and we are sorely needed!  Even in pain, even suffering with these medications and not being able to do as much as I want for my family; I can still stand up for Christ, even if I'm flat on my back.