I know I just started a series, "In Good Company", but I am having such a issue with a new medicine, I thought I would talk about that now. The series is important to me, I even discussed my next entry with my ten year old who told me to go with both ideas. Okay, not a lot of help there, but she was very interested and we had a good back and forth on the topic while we stayed awake. She cuddled in with me after she and the rest of the family, sans dad, came back from a quick trip to North Carolina. Me on my medication, and she tired from the day, we had a good go around, until we both fell asleep at some point.
That brings me to my medication changes. For a while, and I believe I have written about this earlier, I finally stabilized my medication by using the Duragesic (Fentanyl) patch at 100mcg/hr with a 72 hour change, and to counter the side effects of sleepiness, which were mild, I use Provigil (Modafinil). The Provigil is used with patients who have sleep apnea, narcolepsy, and others who have issues staying awake. It works with the neurotransmitters. All this, so I can take the Duragesic, which has been pretty good at keeping the pain down to an 8 out of 10. I also use natural items and medication for my stomach and bowels, but I'll leave that at that.
For those of us in pain, we know when there has been a change. The little twinge, the pressure that wasn't there before, maybe the ringing in our ears is louder. For me, I realized that for the first time, my left leg was involved. Different than my right leg, which has had nerve pain since the beginning. The right leg has had an electric pain, a heaviness, and a numbness that went all the way down to my toes, along with increased pain in my hip and back with the pressure of standing or sitting. This has been since September 2004, ans is 24x7, never any relief. The left leg was different, only recently, a slight electric tingling on the inside of my leg, with a small amount of numbness. I knew it was time for some new tests. My latest MRI, which I wrote about lately, has come back and according to the phone call I had, shows "obvious changes on my left side", and I still have my lumbar spine slid forward of my sacrum by 9mm. In other words, my pain is up for a reason, and I now have no other choices. I'll have an EMG in early November.
With this change, I need more pain medication in general. Just trying to stand or sit, the pressure on my spine has been excruciating. I've been put on a new one called "Opana" a little pink pill that has really done a number on me. It's a good thing that I walk around the house with a cane, because I can barely make it six or seven feet without going to one side or the other. Sleepiness has also been an issue. Even with the Provigil, I am having a hard time staying awake, and keeping thoughts together. (Let's just say how thankful I am for this laptop and a Word software. If I had to do this long hand or with my old IBM typewriter, I'd have given up hours ago!)
When I am on this medication, it is very difficult to control my emotions, and it almost always comes out as anger. My girls, 15 and 10 see the change, and have said that there is a difference when my pain is up (like rain and increase in arthritis) and when I have problems with a new medication. This Opana has been really difficult for me, and I have not been able to get in touch with the physician. I know that for some, Duragesic has been a death sentence, literally. Please heed a warning: All of us with pain, who are attempting to deal with that pain or suffering by taking medication(s), must not be left alone. We need people who know us, and can let us know when we are acting differently. Sometimes we who are on the pills or whatever, don't see it soon enough, if at all. For the family care-takers, make sure you're being heard. There are times when the medication is much louder than anyone, or anything else.
It is during these times when reading or writing can be near impossible, so it is important what you watch or listen to. Moods that are being affected by medication are easily manipulated. Of course, anyone who stays home with an illness or injury can tell you that with over 400 channels, there's still nothing on TV! Music can sooth the savage breast. or it can rile us up; it all depends on our choices. I myself have a few choices I can turn to when a new medication makes me sleepy and also, let's say touchy. I can listen to sermons by some of my favorite pastors using www.sermonaudio.com. This is a free website with thousands of sermons on it. If I feel like I am in pain but cannot sleep, this helps me to focus on something other than that pain. When that focus is on my faith, all the better. There is also http://christianaudio.com/ which has Christian books and podcasts available, but mostly cost money. They do have a monthly free book, and you can find them on facebook as well, which can give you a few more freebies! Again, when I cannot read Scripture, listening to sermons or discussions on my faith can be ether calming or uplifting. Either way, it is the Holy Spirit that can bring us the "peace beyond understanding:. I also have a long selection of Celtic tunes & Christian hymns on my iTunes. A combination of imported CD's and some bought music, and it can play along while I slip in and out of sleep. Finally, if I don't feel badly, just sleepy. silence is okay. We have three Boxer's and if I am just sleepy, they'll get on the bed with me and we will all take a nap. Having my pups, and their snoring can be calming to me, I guess because I am not alone. Granted, if you're not a dog person, this last one sounds like a nightmare, so feel free to include whomever else you have in mind. My wife is currently out working.
My point should be clear by now, medication can be great but it is still chemicals in your body that do more than just what they are suppose to. Our Lord is the Great Physician. Only He knows why you are suffering, for how long, and what you will learn from this. The answers won't come all at once, and medicine can mask some of the dialogue with our Father. Allow for the time to go through this, take what you need when you need it, and use family and/or friends to help you along. Even if I live to 105 years old (the age of my wife's grandmother when she passed on), it is still nothing compared to an eternity in His Kingdom! My prayers are with all in pain and suffering, and with all who have it much worse than I. May the Lord bless you and keep you. As always, comments are the only way I know whether this is helping or hindering your healing. Give it to me straight, I can take it!
*NB--I just got a text from an old friend who saw my facebook update and warned me about Opana, so apparently I'm not the only one who has had some issues on it. Friends are a blessing, always.
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26 October 2009
Suffering: The "In Good Company" Series
Let's face it, being in chronic pain is the pits. It stinks, and if I wasn't trying to keep this a G-rated blog, I'd have a few more choice words. Now there are those out there who will say, and believe, "At least when you are one of God's people, you don't have to deal with any pain or suffering". Well, than again, pain and suffering come in many different ways, and I know Christians who have faced some terrible situations. Now, I know, as we find in James, we are told to, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds," but that just doesn't seem to help when you're going through a problem. I mean, it sounds good, that our pain and suffering will bring about patience and character, but can't He find a simpler way? To me, I liked it when the author of Lamentations, some say it was Jeremiah, said, "Is any suffering like my suffering?" Now that man really believed that God Himself sent down his problems. The author was really left to deal with his problems all by himself.
Do you feel like God is angry with you? Forgot you? Took His Hand of Grace away from you? Sent you a problem and than walked away? Have you asked what good is it to be a believer when you suffer just like the non-believer, sometimes worse?!? In this series, all I can do is show you the good company we're in, and how I learned to really accept my chronic pain. I found what questions to ask, what not to both with. How to really lean on God's understanding and not just give it lip service, hoping that someday it will actually work. This is not an easy process, first because I don't know what God is saying to you by this pain, suffering, or problem that seems so bleak. Then again, I won't lie to you . I won't tell you that a certain type of prayer, a certain amount of money to me or your church, or a certain person can deal with this. This is between you and God, and even when it finishes, you may not feel like you're the better for it. Hopefully, I will at least help you to see that there is His way at looking at our lives, and ours; and ours is like looking through a really dirty spy glass, pointed at the wrong direction.
Today, I would like to start with the two people who I believe suffered more than anyone else, save Christ and his mother. Let's look at Adam and Eve. Now I've heard both kids and adults say, "When I get to heaven, I'm going to punch Adam right in the nose!" Others, looking at the story with a modern understanding, can't see how a serpent got them to eat something God told them not to. I mean, what was Eve doing speaking to a serpent for in the first place? They're nasty, slither around, and they're not suppose to even talk! It reminds me of the movie production of "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe". Peter says, "Well he said so" and his sister Susan says, "He's a Beaver, he shouldn't be saying anything at all!" However, let's look at the story through their eyes. There's never been before. God has given you every good thing. All you know is this beautiful Garden, and you've never met anyone that would make you scream, "Stranger, danger! Stranger, danger!" They were, without exception, truly innocent.
Then, we know they were fooled and ate the fruit. Can you imagine seeing the wrath of God? Can you imagine, only knowing the beauty and perfection of the Garden of Eden, and being ripped out? Seeing an angel of God guard the entrance so you could never return, it had to be devastating. To be told how hard life will be for you and all those who come after you, not to mention how painful it will be to have that next generation. They could not be sorry enough, they couldn't go back in time, they could only accept the consequence of their action.
As a side note, this is one of the reasons why the Evil One loves how much evolution has weaved it's way into our education and society. If we don't believe in Creation as presented by Holy Scripture, than this early story is nothing more than a myth, and we've grown above that. Now whose listening to the talking snake?
For the rest of us, those of us in pain, and those suffering; our lesson here is that God is love, but He also is a God that holds to His rules. Even us, the descendants, have to live by the punishment after Adam and Eve thought they could over-ride the Lord's command. He is Truth. Therefore, we are sons and daughters of Adam and Eve, and therefore fall under the pain an suffering that came with the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. Remember this one piece as we finish, it was God who made them garments of skin, before they were pushed out of the Garden. God clothed them both, then sent them on their way.
This was no surprise to God. He knew from before time, that they would eat the forbidden fruit and He had a plan of salvation for us. God knew that even however terrible Adam and Eve felt, no matter how they could not go back, he had a plan to save millions of people. Although Adam and Eve saw all good be taken away, God was still with them, and clothed them, and knew how He would save us; starting with their descendant Abraham. We cannot see what He sees, we cannot know what His plan is, but know that He is God, He Loves His Creation, and He has a plan for us. May God bless you, may your pain be lessened, and I hope to hear from you anytime.
Do you feel like God is angry with you? Forgot you? Took His Hand of Grace away from you? Sent you a problem and than walked away? Have you asked what good is it to be a believer when you suffer just like the non-believer, sometimes worse?!? In this series, all I can do is show you the good company we're in, and how I learned to really accept my chronic pain. I found what questions to ask, what not to both with. How to really lean on God's understanding and not just give it lip service, hoping that someday it will actually work. This is not an easy process, first because I don't know what God is saying to you by this pain, suffering, or problem that seems so bleak. Then again, I won't lie to you . I won't tell you that a certain type of prayer, a certain amount of money to me or your church, or a certain person can deal with this. This is between you and God, and even when it finishes, you may not feel like you're the better for it. Hopefully, I will at least help you to see that there is His way at looking at our lives, and ours; and ours is like looking through a really dirty spy glass, pointed at the wrong direction.
Today, I would like to start with the two people who I believe suffered more than anyone else, save Christ and his mother. Let's look at Adam and Eve. Now I've heard both kids and adults say, "When I get to heaven, I'm going to punch Adam right in the nose!" Others, looking at the story with a modern understanding, can't see how a serpent got them to eat something God told them not to. I mean, what was Eve doing speaking to a serpent for in the first place? They're nasty, slither around, and they're not suppose to even talk! It reminds me of the movie production of "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe". Peter says, "Well he said so" and his sister Susan says, "He's a Beaver, he shouldn't be saying anything at all!" However, let's look at the story through their eyes. There's never been before. God has given you every good thing. All you know is this beautiful Garden, and you've never met anyone that would make you scream, "Stranger, danger! Stranger, danger!" They were, without exception, truly innocent.
Then, we know they were fooled and ate the fruit. Can you imagine seeing the wrath of God? Can you imagine, only knowing the beauty and perfection of the Garden of Eden, and being ripped out? Seeing an angel of God guard the entrance so you could never return, it had to be devastating. To be told how hard life will be for you and all those who come after you, not to mention how painful it will be to have that next generation. They could not be sorry enough, they couldn't go back in time, they could only accept the consequence of their action.
As a side note, this is one of the reasons why the Evil One loves how much evolution has weaved it's way into our education and society. If we don't believe in Creation as presented by Holy Scripture, than this early story is nothing more than a myth, and we've grown above that. Now whose listening to the talking snake?
For the rest of us, those of us in pain, and those suffering; our lesson here is that God is love, but He also is a God that holds to His rules. Even us, the descendants, have to live by the punishment after Adam and Eve thought they could over-ride the Lord's command. He is Truth. Therefore, we are sons and daughters of Adam and Eve, and therefore fall under the pain an suffering that came with the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. Remember this one piece as we finish, it was God who made them garments of skin, before they were pushed out of the Garden. God clothed them both, then sent them on their way.
This was no surprise to God. He knew from before time, that they would eat the forbidden fruit and He had a plan of salvation for us. God knew that even however terrible Adam and Eve felt, no matter how they could not go back, he had a plan to save millions of people. Although Adam and Eve saw all good be taken away, God was still with them, and clothed them, and knew how He would save us; starting with their descendant Abraham. We cannot see what He sees, we cannot know what His plan is, but know that He is God, He Loves His Creation, and He has a plan for us. May God bless you, may your pain be lessened, and I hope to hear from you anytime.
24 October 2009
Medication; help, hindrance, or both? 3 of 3
When I was a nursing student, we were discussing medication administration in general, a type of introduction to the idea of giving drugs. During her instruction, our teacher told us a story I never forgot. She told us, "When I was just out of school, I was on the pediatric unit. We had a child in with an infection, and the doctor has prescribed penicillin. The child had been getting it before, so I knew I could give the drug as there was no worry of allergy. I administered the dose as directed, and a few of us went to lunch. While we were sitting at lunch, the call came over the PA system for a child in a code. We rushed back to find the child I had just medicated, was dead. There was no medical error, no improper dose, it just happened that that one dose, just having it one more time, was the one his body could no longer take. Let this stand as a reminder, we are putting chemical compounds in our patients everyday, never take it for granted, and never leave them be after you've delivered it. It's hard enough making sure the doctor has prescribed the right med and dose, that the pharmacy sent the right drug, and that we have the right patient and the right order. But with every drug, can come the possibility of a patients death." Naturally, we all asked if this was a good scare story or true, we were assured it was true, and you could see it in her eyes, and how she taught the remainder of that part of the course.
This final installment in this series should brig out two important issues you should never forget. The first is the easiest; no matter how you feel about doctors, drugs and pharmaceutical companies, they have saved millions of lives. That's hands down truth. My own aunt was stricken with polio, how many people do you know today that get that awful disease? There are more of us living longer and even healthier than ever before. It will never be perfect, those of us who are believers know this for fact. Along with these life saving compounds come adverse effects that must be looked at. To me, some drugs are not worth taking. I may be old fashioned, but even "the pill" has enough side effects to give a woman enough to pause, at least according to the commercials on TV. Not that I am one to talk, like I have told you before, I'm on narcotics which aren't exactly on the "over the counter" level. My point is, that anyone who needs to take a medication really needs to read all about the medicine. Be careful when it comes to the internet, every medicine listed can cause everything else. However, read the insert carefully. Have lengthy discussions with your doctor, don't take the little red pill just because he or she said so. Knowledge is half the battle.
The other point is don't so this alone. The Lord has made us to be communal. I've often heard the argument that, "I don't need to go to church to be a Christian" and I'm not going to into what saves us or not. But, here's a question, why did Jesus meet the people in crowds, and why did He tell us to get together and break bread in His Name? Did the Creator say, "It is not good for man to be alone"? In the Psalms, we read that, "For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help." Yes, the Lord helps, but is it always with angels? I'm sure you know the joke: "A flood is coming and a 4x4 sheriff's truck comes to an older man's house and calls to the man, 'Quickly, get in. The flood is coming.' 'No, no. The Lord will provide' says the man. Now the water is up the the second floor, and a row boat rescue crew comes to his window, 'Get in our boat, the water is rising fast'. 'No, no. The Lord will provide', he says again. Finally, the man is on the roof of his home and a helicopter comes. 'Get in the basket, you must come with us' the rescue team calls. 'No, no. The Lord will provide.' Soon after, the man is standing in front of the Lord Himself. 'My Lord, why did you not provide for me?' 'Provide?' says the Almighty, 'I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter, what exactly did you expect?'" So allow those around you who come to help. How often are we extolled to be a help to one another, even to pray for or enemy? Then each church community, each Christian is called upon to help those who are unable. This is why it is so important to have a good church family before you get sick or injured, if this is possible.
If you will allow, I will attempt to give you a basic three by three that any one in pain or suufering can follow:
Individually:
1. Read Scripture daily, carefully and prayfully. If not, see if you can listen to it.
2. Remember your prayer; confession, praise, and thanksgiving. After this, pray for others, and then add what you want for yourself. If you are not sure how to ask, the Holy Spirit does this for you.
3. Make sure you listen to sermons and discussions as you can. Beware the false prophet that says your pain is based on "giving" or your sin. Try www. sermonaudio.com.
With Healthcare Personnel:
1. Be truthful. (My wife still thinks I need to work on this one. I always try to "man up".
2. Don't be alone, see above.
3. Ask questions about every test, procedure, and drug. Keep it all in a notebook and keep it with you at every visit, phone call, pharmacy, and test.
Officially:
1. You must have a Healthcare Proxy,a document that allows someone who can say what your desires are in different situations. This is not a will or a Power of Attorney. These are different and can be found at the hospital, attorney's office, or even some websites. Again, make sure it is done right and will be accepted in the state you are in.
2. Remember the notebook from #3 above? Make sure that someone you trust knows where it is and can add to it if you can't.
3. This is the time when your bills: mortgage, car, insurance, regular home bills, credit cards, and of course--medical bills, can all come after you for non-payment, if you don't stay on top of these things. I have seen too many people fight against an insurance company for non-payment, and the doctor or hospital puts the person into collections. Those papers you sign, they say you are responsible for payment in the end, nit the insurance company. Stay on top of this. At the same time, it is unfortunate, but I have seen family members steal from other sick family members. To combat this, in different times of my life, jobs have taught me to have redundancies. This means, you may need more than one person who can help you in this. Have someone who can check up on the person taking care of you. It's a shame, but the Evil One roams about like a hungry lion, seeking out those whom he may devour. Many crimes are crimes of opportunity.
This has become more than about just medicine. I know, this is a time when you feel like the most personal, intimate details of your life are out there like they were on display in Macy's window. It's hard to be the one who needs help. Sometimes, it's the first time since your mom changed your last diaper that you need help. Remember this, in the Eyes of God you are His child. No matter how old, no matter how much you've done in the past, you are a child of the King of the Universe. It may be hard now, but this will be nothing compared to what you will experience in His Kingdom. Yes, this is tough, and that's probably not even a good enough word. Now is the time to lean on Him, and those who He puts in your way. And finally, get in the truck, don't wait for the helicopter!
This final installment in this series should brig out two important issues you should never forget. The first is the easiest; no matter how you feel about doctors, drugs and pharmaceutical companies, they have saved millions of lives. That's hands down truth. My own aunt was stricken with polio, how many people do you know today that get that awful disease? There are more of us living longer and even healthier than ever before. It will never be perfect, those of us who are believers know this for fact. Along with these life saving compounds come adverse effects that must be looked at. To me, some drugs are not worth taking. I may be old fashioned, but even "the pill" has enough side effects to give a woman enough to pause, at least according to the commercials on TV. Not that I am one to talk, like I have told you before, I'm on narcotics which aren't exactly on the "over the counter" level. My point is, that anyone who needs to take a medication really needs to read all about the medicine. Be careful when it comes to the internet, every medicine listed can cause everything else. However, read the insert carefully. Have lengthy discussions with your doctor, don't take the little red pill just because he or she said so. Knowledge is half the battle.
The other point is don't so this alone. The Lord has made us to be communal. I've often heard the argument that, "I don't need to go to church to be a Christian" and I'm not going to into what saves us or not. But, here's a question, why did Jesus meet the people in crowds, and why did He tell us to get together and break bread in His Name? Did the Creator say, "It is not good for man to be alone"? In the Psalms, we read that, "For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help." Yes, the Lord helps, but is it always with angels? I'm sure you know the joke: "A flood is coming and a 4x4 sheriff's truck comes to an older man's house and calls to the man, 'Quickly, get in. The flood is coming.' 'No, no. The Lord will provide' says the man. Now the water is up the the second floor, and a row boat rescue crew comes to his window, 'Get in our boat, the water is rising fast'. 'No, no. The Lord will provide', he says again. Finally, the man is on the roof of his home and a helicopter comes. 'Get in the basket, you must come with us' the rescue team calls. 'No, no. The Lord will provide.' Soon after, the man is standing in front of the Lord Himself. 'My Lord, why did you not provide for me?' 'Provide?' says the Almighty, 'I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter, what exactly did you expect?'" So allow those around you who come to help. How often are we extolled to be a help to one another, even to pray for or enemy? Then each church community, each Christian is called upon to help those who are unable. This is why it is so important to have a good church family before you get sick or injured, if this is possible.
If you will allow, I will attempt to give you a basic three by three that any one in pain or suufering can follow:
Individually:
1. Read Scripture daily, carefully and prayfully. If not, see if you can listen to it.
2. Remember your prayer; confession, praise, and thanksgiving. After this, pray for others, and then add what you want for yourself. If you are not sure how to ask, the Holy Spirit does this for you.
3. Make sure you listen to sermons and discussions as you can. Beware the false prophet that says your pain is based on "giving" or your sin. Try www. sermonaudio.com.
With Healthcare Personnel:
1. Be truthful. (My wife still thinks I need to work on this one. I always try to "man up".
2. Don't be alone, see above.
3. Ask questions about every test, procedure, and drug. Keep it all in a notebook and keep it with you at every visit, phone call, pharmacy, and test.
Officially:
1. You must have a Healthcare Proxy,a document that allows someone who can say what your desires are in different situations. This is not a will or a Power of Attorney. These are different and can be found at the hospital, attorney's office, or even some websites. Again, make sure it is done right and will be accepted in the state you are in.
2. Remember the notebook from #3 above? Make sure that someone you trust knows where it is and can add to it if you can't.
3. This is the time when your bills: mortgage, car, insurance, regular home bills, credit cards, and of course--medical bills, can all come after you for non-payment, if you don't stay on top of these things. I have seen too many people fight against an insurance company for non-payment, and the doctor or hospital puts the person into collections. Those papers you sign, they say you are responsible for payment in the end, nit the insurance company. Stay on top of this. At the same time, it is unfortunate, but I have seen family members steal from other sick family members. To combat this, in different times of my life, jobs have taught me to have redundancies. This means, you may need more than one person who can help you in this. Have someone who can check up on the person taking care of you. It's a shame, but the Evil One roams about like a hungry lion, seeking out those whom he may devour. Many crimes are crimes of opportunity.
This has become more than about just medicine. I know, this is a time when you feel like the most personal, intimate details of your life are out there like they were on display in Macy's window. It's hard to be the one who needs help. Sometimes, it's the first time since your mom changed your last diaper that you need help. Remember this, in the Eyes of God you are His child. No matter how old, no matter how much you've done in the past, you are a child of the King of the Universe. It may be hard now, but this will be nothing compared to what you will experience in His Kingdom. Yes, this is tough, and that's probably not even a good enough word. Now is the time to lean on Him, and those who He puts in your way. And finally, get in the truck, don't wait for the helicopter!
22 October 2009
Medication; help, hindrance or both? 2 of 3
In the first entry regarding medication, I tried to show how we have all searched out relief from pain and suffering from our very beginning (at least post eviction from the Garden). I believe that this desire is put into us by God, almost as a reminder of how life could, should, and will be. He made it that way originally in the Garden of Eden. He showed us while Jesus was on earth how people responded to Him when he cured them of all manner of illness, injury, and possession. Within Scripture, we are reminded how our eternal life, in the new earth will be; without pain and suffering. As I have said before, one of my favorite authors, CS Lewis said it well when he said God screams to us in our pain. So we look for relief almost as a means as a way to get to that pure relationship with the Father. One of those ways we try, is the use of medication.
When I first hurt my back, the doctors treated me in what I will refer to as being plugged into an algorithm. That means, as a patient, when you answer either yes or no, they plug you into a formula and the medications that have been tried and have had some effect for others. This is not to impugn physicians in general, it is a way to expedite the process of treating so many hurting people. The problem of course, is that even though the Lord made us similar, we also are made individually. Medication does not effect everyone the same way and, hereafter, we must be treated as individuals.
This calls for a word on physicians and pharmaceutical companies as a whole. Right now, as the US government is attempting to make our healthcare system "better", there has been too much said about whether doctors and pharmaceutical companies do what they do for the sake of profit. We who read the Bible, guided by the Holy Spirit, know that the Lord let's it rain on the good and the bad equally. In other words, there is no way to lump everyone in these professions together in the same way. Let me give you an example from my own history on the other side of the medical field. Years ago, prior to my being a patient, I was a nurse for the trauma unit (4T) of William Beaumont Army Medical Center. I was an SGT/LPN (LPN=Lower Paid Nurse) but I had also been a paramedic prior to my working there. I had tremendous experience and certification in trauma care and was given the responsibility of training one of our new RN's (Real Nurses) who was a Captain. About one hour into my walk through of our "crunch area" and giving him instruction on emergency procedures, this man turned to me and said, "Man, you really take this stuff seriously." I told him to take a coffee break and went to our commander, and asked the Major if she would find someone else to train this photographer-want-to-be, since he felt I was too rigid about the level of care I expected. Knowing me as she did, she readily agreed, also letting him know that his attitude would change or his military career would. So yes, there are people like me, and there are people like him. However, there are far more like me, than there are like him. Mostly, physicians and medical researchers are highly dedicated and passionate.
The problem lies in that we must try medicine before we know if it will work for us or not. Now there can be extenuating circumstances like allergies to ingredients, family history, and other issues that will put some medicines off the mark before tried. Since my pain is nerve based, they tried neuropathy drugs, which did work, except they also made me sleep for 23 hours a day. Oral narcotics did so much damage to my stomach and liver, I thought I would have to have my gall bladder removed, but it was just the side effects to the medication. I've also had those needles of cortisone put directly into my back, in fact the last one was six inches from skin to area of "relief". Relief was not the operative word for me, but I had to try, and try more than once. I also had this cute little electric wire put into my spine, with a unit on the outside for my control,not sure how much control I had though. Never did get the whole idea of that one; and the removal of it was fun, for a masocist! No, for me, the best route of delivery is a narcotic patch that I wear on my skin and change every 72 hours. Of course the downfall to this medication, is that it is on TV every three days or so with the warning, "Have you or someone you know taken this horrible drug? This drug is responsible for serious side effects including death! Call attorney so & so, and we'll look to see if you have a claim." This drug has also been on the news as being part of murder investigations! And of course, as with all narcotics, the chance for abuse is quite high. I know of drug addicts who have tried to suck the gel off of it, which unfortunately for them is almost always fatal. Remember, I may need this medicine for physical pain, but others are trying to get away from suffering of mind or spirit; a wholly different topic.
Over the past five years, I have taken five to eight pills in the morning, and more later on. With the right pain management doctor, family support, and my agreement to try what is available, I am at the least amount of medicine ever. Well, my dosage of the patch is high, but I need almost nothing else. It's about the end result. Can I find something that will allow me to be somewhat more functional and be with my family as a husband and father once more? Not that I'm not a dad or husband now, but I enjoy being with them, watching the kids school functions, and just doing things like apple picking.
Finally, it must be known that over the years I followed Scripture and went to the church elders. I was anointed with oil and prayed over by four of our pastors. I have had fellow brothers and sisters pray over me, and many pray for me daily. With this I must be very clear. The fact that I sill have back issues has nothing to do with my sin, the pastor's inability to pray, or the Lord's unwillingness to care for me. When it comes to suffering, the Bible shows that I am in good company. There are times when God speaks of direct physical healing, but that does not always mean instantaneous miraculous healing. God's healing can be slow, as slow as how I destroyed my back. What is most important, is what I have learned from this. We see in the book of Job that his so-called friends want him to confess his dark, horrible sins, and his wife wants him to curse God and die already! However, it is Job that knew it is God's to give and take. It is how we accept His grace and His lack of it that is important. Even in the end of the book, Job is not given an answer to his suffering, but a lesson in who God is, and what is man. So my joy is in the fact that the Lord has chosen me to be His child, to love me, and to be willing to teach me. Without my pain, I would have remained quite the arrogant fool, who relied on his physicality. I have learned to love my pain, and still look for a cure, hoping to use my new found understanding even more.
Next time, I will try my best to help others make decisions about how to chose doctors and medicine, what to look for when on medication, what you need as a patient in pain, and most of all, how to find God's Word as comfort. The last is not the easiest, but I hope to show it is most important. Again, my thanks for reading my ramblings, and please leave me a comment. If you know someone in pain, please pass this on to them if you feel this may help. This blog is what I believe to be my service to my fellow man, as God leads me, today.
When I first hurt my back, the doctors treated me in what I will refer to as being plugged into an algorithm. That means, as a patient, when you answer either yes or no, they plug you into a formula and the medications that have been tried and have had some effect for others. This is not to impugn physicians in general, it is a way to expedite the process of treating so many hurting people. The problem of course, is that even though the Lord made us similar, we also are made individually. Medication does not effect everyone the same way and, hereafter, we must be treated as individuals.
This calls for a word on physicians and pharmaceutical companies as a whole. Right now, as the US government is attempting to make our healthcare system "better", there has been too much said about whether doctors and pharmaceutical companies do what they do for the sake of profit. We who read the Bible, guided by the Holy Spirit, know that the Lord let's it rain on the good and the bad equally. In other words, there is no way to lump everyone in these professions together in the same way. Let me give you an example from my own history on the other side of the medical field. Years ago, prior to my being a patient, I was a nurse for the trauma unit (4T) of William Beaumont Army Medical Center. I was an SGT/LPN (LPN=Lower Paid Nurse) but I had also been a paramedic prior to my working there. I had tremendous experience and certification in trauma care and was given the responsibility of training one of our new RN's (Real Nurses) who was a Captain. About one hour into my walk through of our "crunch area" and giving him instruction on emergency procedures, this man turned to me and said, "Man, you really take this stuff seriously." I told him to take a coffee break and went to our commander, and asked the Major if she would find someone else to train this photographer-want-to-be, since he felt I was too rigid about the level of care I expected. Knowing me as she did, she readily agreed, also letting him know that his attitude would change or his military career would. So yes, there are people like me, and there are people like him. However, there are far more like me, than there are like him. Mostly, physicians and medical researchers are highly dedicated and passionate.
The problem lies in that we must try medicine before we know if it will work for us or not. Now there can be extenuating circumstances like allergies to ingredients, family history, and other issues that will put some medicines off the mark before tried. Since my pain is nerve based, they tried neuropathy drugs, which did work, except they also made me sleep for 23 hours a day. Oral narcotics did so much damage to my stomach and liver, I thought I would have to have my gall bladder removed, but it was just the side effects to the medication. I've also had those needles of cortisone put directly into my back, in fact the last one was six inches from skin to area of "relief". Relief was not the operative word for me, but I had to try, and try more than once. I also had this cute little electric wire put into my spine, with a unit on the outside for my control,not sure how much control I had though. Never did get the whole idea of that one; and the removal of it was fun, for a masocist! No, for me, the best route of delivery is a narcotic patch that I wear on my skin and change every 72 hours. Of course the downfall to this medication, is that it is on TV every three days or so with the warning, "Have you or someone you know taken this horrible drug? This drug is responsible for serious side effects including death! Call attorney so & so, and we'll look to see if you have a claim." This drug has also been on the news as being part of murder investigations! And of course, as with all narcotics, the chance for abuse is quite high. I know of drug addicts who have tried to suck the gel off of it, which unfortunately for them is almost always fatal. Remember, I may need this medicine for physical pain, but others are trying to get away from suffering of mind or spirit; a wholly different topic.
Over the past five years, I have taken five to eight pills in the morning, and more later on. With the right pain management doctor, family support, and my agreement to try what is available, I am at the least amount of medicine ever. Well, my dosage of the patch is high, but I need almost nothing else. It's about the end result. Can I find something that will allow me to be somewhat more functional and be with my family as a husband and father once more? Not that I'm not a dad or husband now, but I enjoy being with them, watching the kids school functions, and just doing things like apple picking.
Finally, it must be known that over the years I followed Scripture and went to the church elders. I was anointed with oil and prayed over by four of our pastors. I have had fellow brothers and sisters pray over me, and many pray for me daily. With this I must be very clear. The fact that I sill have back issues has nothing to do with my sin, the pastor's inability to pray, or the Lord's unwillingness to care for me. When it comes to suffering, the Bible shows that I am in good company. There are times when God speaks of direct physical healing, but that does not always mean instantaneous miraculous healing. God's healing can be slow, as slow as how I destroyed my back. What is most important, is what I have learned from this. We see in the book of Job that his so-called friends want him to confess his dark, horrible sins, and his wife wants him to curse God and die already! However, it is Job that knew it is God's to give and take. It is how we accept His grace and His lack of it that is important. Even in the end of the book, Job is not given an answer to his suffering, but a lesson in who God is, and what is man. So my joy is in the fact that the Lord has chosen me to be His child, to love me, and to be willing to teach me. Without my pain, I would have remained quite the arrogant fool, who relied on his physicality. I have learned to love my pain, and still look for a cure, hoping to use my new found understanding even more.
Next time, I will try my best to help others make decisions about how to chose doctors and medicine, what to look for when on medication, what you need as a patient in pain, and most of all, how to find God's Word as comfort. The last is not the easiest, but I hope to show it is most important. Again, my thanks for reading my ramblings, and please leave me a comment. If you know someone in pain, please pass this on to them if you feel this may help. This blog is what I believe to be my service to my fellow man, as God leads me, today.
20 October 2009
Medication; help, hindrance or both? 1 of 3
For those of us with chronic pain, and maybe even more so for those with acute pain, the idea of relief by medication is the proverbial two edged sword. On the one hand, it's "Just make it go away!!!", while on the other hand, it's "the medication has what side effects?!?". If I had another hand, there is also your experience; the date of your birth, where you were born, and your family background. Basically, how do you feel about medicine? Let's start with the last, and in the next posts, we'll look at the other two.
As a former paramedic and nurse, I can truly tell you that we live, at least here in the United States, in "there's a pill for what ails ya" generation. Even my own father, after telling him about my condition ad nauseum, says, "there's got to be something they can give you." Well, doctors have given me medication. Lots of medication. In fact, when I went to my third pain management doctor, they were concerned that I was drug shopping. In truth, it was the opposite, I wanted off the medicine as much as possible. But how did we get here?
In history, humans have been looking for relief of pain since our Lord sent Adam and Eve packing, right out of the Garden of Eden. Adam would be forced to work an uncooperative land, and Eve would give birth in pain. Being a man, I won't even begin to decide who got the worst part of that deal. However, until recent history, people understood life could be painful. Certainly, whether accidents in the home area, or battlefield wounds, or in building catastrophes, or the rampant illnesses; the treatment of pain has been paramount to each civilization, but the level of pain they searched out cures for were probably far higher than what we feel today. We've used herbs, bark, plants, roots, animals, and let us not forget prayer. We'll get back to that last one, I'm good for that. But let me tell you about "The Wonder Drug" before we go farther.
Aspirin, which is what we call acetylsalicylic acid, is a non-narcotic analgesic. It's good for fever, headache, and what ails you! Hippocrates, 460-377BC, is known as the father of medicine and actually gave a powder of the willow bark and leaves to help pain, headache, and fever. It wasn't until the year 1829, that scientists figured out the chemical make up of willow was salicin. Henri Leroux, in France, extracted varrying amount of salicin, and it was Raffaele Piria, an Italian working in Paris, who succeeded in getting a pure form of it. However the acid was too much for the stomach to take. Charles Frederic Gerhardt, a Frenchman, neutralized this with sodium chloride in 1853, but gave up on the whole project for lack of real advance. In 1899, a German by the name of Felix Hoffman was working for Bayer. Bayer had rediscovered the formula for this willow acid. Hoffman's father had terrible arthritis and Hoffman made up the powder and gave it to his dad to hopefully get some relief. Relief is just what he got, and Hoffman convinced Bayer to market the product. "A" for acetyl, "spir" for the Latin name of the plant it comes from, and "in" which was the ending of most products to describe medicine at the time; that gives us Aspirin which went onto the market on February 27, 1900 in powder form, with the pill form coming in 1915. As a side note, the Treaty of Versailles in 1919 took both Aspirin and Heroin, both Bayer trademarks at the time, away from the company as a condition of the German loss of WWI.
Why all this history for aspirin? Fist of all, it is a great drug. A personal favorite for my headaches, arthritis and years ago when I had trouble sleeping. Then again, how long did it take for us to find out that some children, teens, and even some adults can be stricken with Reyes syndrome? When I was a boy, there was a special chewable aspirin just for kids. I took it. But what about those who did, and died? Today, children who become afflicted with Reyes have a 30% mortality rate. We all want relief, but are we willing to accept the risk? For every action of a medication, there is another the body must go through. We call these side effects. Do you know how long we've known about side effects? Since Hippocrates first gave his first patient their first prescription of bark and such.
Scripture has a lot to say about pain and suffering. However, one of the only verses that talks about actual medicine, can be found in Proverbs 17:22, "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." When Paul wrote to the Corinthians, he said that the Holy Spirit gives each of us a gift, and one of those gifts is healing. We know that God has healed many, that Christ answered John's disciples by saying, "Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me." So what about us? If Jesus healed all those people, if the Holy Spirit has given the gift of healing to some of us left here on earth, then why are we in pain, suffering, and in need of medication? The simple answer is, "I don't know", but I'm ok with that. Well now, that answers a lot; I'm crazy! No, it's just that in my reading and study of Scripture, I've never seen it written that life would be painless. Eternity in heaven, that's a different story, but here on earth, there's just going to be pain and suffering, has been and will be. It's how we deal with it that counts. The next post will be about the type of medicine I've tried, failed and found to work. The one after that will be others that are out there, but more to the point what each patient and their family needs to know and read before taking any medication, even aspirin.
Thanks again for reading, and please feel free to leave comments. All comments are read, noted and I'll answer any that have an email to respond to. Without readers, there's no reason for a writer to write, except it seems that's what God wants me to do right now. I hope these posts help. Tom
As a former paramedic and nurse, I can truly tell you that we live, at least here in the United States, in "there's a pill for what ails ya" generation. Even my own father, after telling him about my condition ad nauseum, says, "there's got to be something they can give you." Well, doctors have given me medication. Lots of medication. In fact, when I went to my third pain management doctor, they were concerned that I was drug shopping. In truth, it was the opposite, I wanted off the medicine as much as possible. But how did we get here?
In history, humans have been looking for relief of pain since our Lord sent Adam and Eve packing, right out of the Garden of Eden. Adam would be forced to work an uncooperative land, and Eve would give birth in pain. Being a man, I won't even begin to decide who got the worst part of that deal. However, until recent history, people understood life could be painful. Certainly, whether accidents in the home area, or battlefield wounds, or in building catastrophes, or the rampant illnesses; the treatment of pain has been paramount to each civilization, but the level of pain they searched out cures for were probably far higher than what we feel today. We've used herbs, bark, plants, roots, animals, and let us not forget prayer. We'll get back to that last one, I'm good for that. But let me tell you about "The Wonder Drug" before we go farther.
Aspirin, which is what we call acetylsalicylic acid, is a non-narcotic analgesic. It's good for fever, headache, and what ails you! Hippocrates, 460-377BC, is known as the father of medicine and actually gave a powder of the willow bark and leaves to help pain, headache, and fever. It wasn't until the year 1829, that scientists figured out the chemical make up of willow was salicin. Henri Leroux, in France, extracted varrying amount of salicin, and it was Raffaele Piria, an Italian working in Paris, who succeeded in getting a pure form of it. However the acid was too much for the stomach to take. Charles Frederic Gerhardt, a Frenchman, neutralized this with sodium chloride in 1853, but gave up on the whole project for lack of real advance. In 1899, a German by the name of Felix Hoffman was working for Bayer. Bayer had rediscovered the formula for this willow acid. Hoffman's father had terrible arthritis and Hoffman made up the powder and gave it to his dad to hopefully get some relief. Relief is just what he got, and Hoffman convinced Bayer to market the product. "A" for acetyl, "spir" for the Latin name of the plant it comes from, and "in" which was the ending of most products to describe medicine at the time; that gives us Aspirin which went onto the market on February 27, 1900 in powder form, with the pill form coming in 1915. As a side note, the Treaty of Versailles in 1919 took both Aspirin and Heroin, both Bayer trademarks at the time, away from the company as a condition of the German loss of WWI.
Why all this history for aspirin? Fist of all, it is a great drug. A personal favorite for my headaches, arthritis and years ago when I had trouble sleeping. Then again, how long did it take for us to find out that some children, teens, and even some adults can be stricken with Reyes syndrome? When I was a boy, there was a special chewable aspirin just for kids. I took it. But what about those who did, and died? Today, children who become afflicted with Reyes have a 30% mortality rate. We all want relief, but are we willing to accept the risk? For every action of a medication, there is another the body must go through. We call these side effects. Do you know how long we've known about side effects? Since Hippocrates first gave his first patient their first prescription of bark and such.
Scripture has a lot to say about pain and suffering. However, one of the only verses that talks about actual medicine, can be found in Proverbs 17:22, "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." When Paul wrote to the Corinthians, he said that the Holy Spirit gives each of us a gift, and one of those gifts is healing. We know that God has healed many, that Christ answered John's disciples by saying, "Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me." So what about us? If Jesus healed all those people, if the Holy Spirit has given the gift of healing to some of us left here on earth, then why are we in pain, suffering, and in need of medication? The simple answer is, "I don't know", but I'm ok with that. Well now, that answers a lot; I'm crazy! No, it's just that in my reading and study of Scripture, I've never seen it written that life would be painless. Eternity in heaven, that's a different story, but here on earth, there's just going to be pain and suffering, has been and will be. It's how we deal with it that counts. The next post will be about the type of medicine I've tried, failed and found to work. The one after that will be others that are out there, but more to the point what each patient and their family needs to know and read before taking any medication, even aspirin.
Thanks again for reading, and please feel free to leave comments. All comments are read, noted and I'll answer any that have an email to respond to. Without readers, there's no reason for a writer to write, except it seems that's what God wants me to do right now. I hope these posts help. Tom
17 October 2009
"You'll Hurt Worse Tomorrow", that was yesterday!
God has a sense of humor. My life has too many examples to go into for proof, so you'll have to take my word on this. How it fits here is simple:
Back when I was a paramedic, and even during my time as a trauma nurse for the Army, I remember telling people the absolutely useless phrase, "If you think it hurts now, wait. It will be worse tomorrow, then you'll be really sore." Now I don't mean that I was wrong in saying this, or trying to be mean. When you get inured, or even after some types of medical tests, the body is far more sore the day after, it's a fact. A great soreness, an ache of indescribable tightness happens. Back in those days, I thought I was doing the right thing. I mean, why lie to someone? Yeah, yeah, your boo-boo hurts now, just wait, tomorrow is really going to bother you. My only consolation, if there was any, was to tell this poor patient, "You think you want pain med's now, I'd hold off and make sure you've got them for tomorrow!"
Now, years later, 'tis me with the boo-boo. If you happened to see my earlier post on my MRI exam, you might take notice that it has the ability to take my pain to a whole new level. In fact, let's talk about pain levels. For those of us with pain, if you've ever sought out treatment, the medical staff has this great little card that helps you describe your pain. The mathematical zero (0) says underneath it that you have no pain whatsoever. In the words of a typical teenager, "Duh". Why even have that listed? I've been in the medical field and I'll tell you a secret, no one ever chooses zero if they've come in for pain! Maybe with a new healthcare system that is being promised by the US government, some people may actually seek treatment for pain at a zero level, but not now.
From the invention of zero, the card goes up in numbers, along with some interesting facial pictures, to the last number on the card which is ten. At ten, the card says one of two things, depending on the dealer (which proves even more stupidity, that there are many companies that put these genius cards out, and they differ!) OK, I get using it for kids, but when they show it to my forty plus years, I feel like I'm on some combination of Sesame Street and Candid Camera. Anyway, back to ten. Ten says either "the worst pain ever" or "pain that makes you seek out medical advice". Now, this is all a way to quantify pain levels. The problem is, how many people who are being seen for pain point to four? If I'm in the hospital, and it is pain that brought me in, can we assume it's a ten, or will a nine make a really big difference? Will you get kicked out for choosing seven?
For those of us with chronic pain, the scale doesn't work. Often times we are at a ten. Some days I'm at an eleven, which would be, "If I see a healthcare worker, I'll strangle them." Twice, I've even been at a twelve, "Forget treatment, just shoot me now!" The fact is, a patient will point to anything they think will get them the right medicine or treatment. Eight, nine, or ten, what will convince you, the man or woman with the plan, that I want to end this pain?
Now for--this will be worse tomorrow problem. I'm already on pain meds. I literally wear a narcotic, and occasionally have pills to "help me over the hump." The problem is I hate pain medication. You know how stupid I feel when I walk with a cane and still fall over to the side? When I am on the extra pain meds, I fall asleep for almost no reason and miss entire conversations. And like I said, I knew today would be worse. I've taken my meds, and I'm writing this because my second dose will be due soon, so I only have a small window of clearness. My point is this, just knowing the next day will be worse, doesn't mean you'll be able to do anything worthwhile about it. Like me, there might be some extra medication, but really, that's not always what one looks forward to.
So what does one do when they are faced with an upcoming day of pain? This is the time to leave it up to God. I know that's not always easy. There's the old saying, "Leave your nighttime problems with God, He'll be up anyway." The problem is, you still may not be able to sleep well. But in this case, you really need to learn to lean on your Creator. He knows what you've been through, He remembers how tired He was after His time in the desert and in the Garden of Gethsemane. He created you, who else can understand? Ask our Lord to accept your pain, to be with you during the rough times, and to hold you up since we can't do it ourselves. Allow your body to sink into it, let it happen and hopefully, sleep. We'll talk more later, but when you speak to our God, be plain. The trinity of prayer is confession, praise, and thanksgiving. As you get to your thanksgiving, ask for what is so good about your pain, then listen. If you fall asleep then, it's ok. He is with you always.
Back when I was a paramedic, and even during my time as a trauma nurse for the Army, I remember telling people the absolutely useless phrase, "If you think it hurts now, wait. It will be worse tomorrow, then you'll be really sore." Now I don't mean that I was wrong in saying this, or trying to be mean. When you get inured, or even after some types of medical tests, the body is far more sore the day after, it's a fact. A great soreness, an ache of indescribable tightness happens. Back in those days, I thought I was doing the right thing. I mean, why lie to someone? Yeah, yeah, your boo-boo hurts now, just wait, tomorrow is really going to bother you. My only consolation, if there was any, was to tell this poor patient, "You think you want pain med's now, I'd hold off and make sure you've got them for tomorrow!"
Now, years later, 'tis me with the boo-boo. If you happened to see my earlier post on my MRI exam, you might take notice that it has the ability to take my pain to a whole new level. In fact, let's talk about pain levels. For those of us with pain, if you've ever sought out treatment, the medical staff has this great little card that helps you describe your pain. The mathematical zero (0) says underneath it that you have no pain whatsoever. In the words of a typical teenager, "Duh". Why even have that listed? I've been in the medical field and I'll tell you a secret, no one ever chooses zero if they've come in for pain! Maybe with a new healthcare system that is being promised by the US government, some people may actually seek treatment for pain at a zero level, but not now.
From the invention of zero, the card goes up in numbers, along with some interesting facial pictures, to the last number on the card which is ten. At ten, the card says one of two things, depending on the dealer (which proves even more stupidity, that there are many companies that put these genius cards out, and they differ!) OK, I get using it for kids, but when they show it to my forty plus years, I feel like I'm on some combination of Sesame Street and Candid Camera. Anyway, back to ten. Ten says either "the worst pain ever" or "pain that makes you seek out medical advice". Now, this is all a way to quantify pain levels. The problem is, how many people who are being seen for pain point to four? If I'm in the hospital, and it is pain that brought me in, can we assume it's a ten, or will a nine make a really big difference? Will you get kicked out for choosing seven?
For those of us with chronic pain, the scale doesn't work. Often times we are at a ten. Some days I'm at an eleven, which would be, "If I see a healthcare worker, I'll strangle them." Twice, I've even been at a twelve, "Forget treatment, just shoot me now!" The fact is, a patient will point to anything they think will get them the right medicine or treatment. Eight, nine, or ten, what will convince you, the man or woman with the plan, that I want to end this pain?
Now for--this will be worse tomorrow problem. I'm already on pain meds. I literally wear a narcotic, and occasionally have pills to "help me over the hump." The problem is I hate pain medication. You know how stupid I feel when I walk with a cane and still fall over to the side? When I am on the extra pain meds, I fall asleep for almost no reason and miss entire conversations. And like I said, I knew today would be worse. I've taken my meds, and I'm writing this because my second dose will be due soon, so I only have a small window of clearness. My point is this, just knowing the next day will be worse, doesn't mean you'll be able to do anything worthwhile about it. Like me, there might be some extra medication, but really, that's not always what one looks forward to.
So what does one do when they are faced with an upcoming day of pain? This is the time to leave it up to God. I know that's not always easy. There's the old saying, "Leave your nighttime problems with God, He'll be up anyway." The problem is, you still may not be able to sleep well. But in this case, you really need to learn to lean on your Creator. He knows what you've been through, He remembers how tired He was after His time in the desert and in the Garden of Gethsemane. He created you, who else can understand? Ask our Lord to accept your pain, to be with you during the rough times, and to hold you up since we can't do it ourselves. Allow your body to sink into it, let it happen and hopefully, sleep. We'll talk more later, but when you speak to our God, be plain. The trinity of prayer is confession, praise, and thanksgiving. As you get to your thanksgiving, ask for what is so good about your pain, then listen. If you fall asleep then, it's ok. He is with you always.
16 October 2009
MRI test, or God's test?
Stefanie tells me that pain medication makes me short tempered. If I'm not mistaken, she's told me the same thing about my pain; that it makes me short tempered. So when she told me I was being short at the MRI office, I wasn't sure which to blame it on, but then again, I really did know. Ir wasn't pain or medication, it was stupidity. No, not Stefanie, or this would be my last post if I even thought that. Here's how it went:
I've done this test so often, I already know what to wear. Stefanie drove me to the office, which is a good idea considering the amount of my current medication level. I hobbled into the office, cane in hand and slowly made my way to the desk. We entered a huge office which was entirely empty. There was a woman behind the desk, which also rather large but empty, who seemed to be there just waiting for me to walk in. "How can I help you?" she asked. I gave her my name and said I had an appointment. "Have a seat and they'll call you soon" says she.
Stefanie and I headed for the large, empty waiting room and notice that the three leather couches were rather low. If I had sat down on one of them, we would have needed a Hoyer lift (crane for humans) to get me back up. I eyed one of three straight back chairs and decided to head for a safe haven to one of them. I gingerly eased myself into the seat and within fifteen seconds, the once nice lady yells out, "OK, Mr. Connolly. You can come over here for some papers and I need your medical card and a photo ID.". In, what I felt was my normal New York response mode, I yelled back, "Oh yeah, well come on over and get them!" Stefanie was up on her feet as if she had been shot out of a cannon. "I'll get them" she says. As she leans over me for my wallet, she says, "You know, you're cranky on those meds." Personally, I thought I was totally within my rights. I mean, who sends an old, lame and in pain man to sit down and then call them back like that? After we take care of business, Stefanie hands in the papers and the woman says, "OK, here are some more to fill out." Now, I'm like, "Are you playing with the cripple?" I didn't say it though, Stefanie would have really put the hurt on me, and she was my ride.
So, a short time later the tech comes out and calls me to follow her back to the machine. I must give credit when due, this woman was very good. After leaving my carry-all vest and glasses behind, I followed her into the room. Now I've had many MRI's for years now, and I must say this one was a first. It honestly reminded me of a machine from a 1940's Superman cartoon. It had two big biscuit looking metal things, one over the other, held up by two large metal walls on either end. The difference in looks aside, then came the familiar part. "You're here for your back? (No wait for reply.) OK, there's a really hard thing that I placed here on an even harder table that moves for me, but not enough to help you. Please lie on your back with your head going that way (as she give me the thumbs out to the right like she was teaching me how to hail a cab.)" All the medical advancement into the twenty-first century, and medicine still relies on making sure you're in pain. I shift my now overweight self onto the hard thing that's on a hard table and in spastic movements get into place. I hand over my cane, and she puts a wedge under my legs. Now I gotta tell you, this was the best wedge thingy I've ever been allowed to use. I've had old pillows rolled so tight, the feathers were popping through and pricking me in the back of my legs. This one was top notch and comfortable. Once the first hard thing was fastened around my middle, like some bullet proof girdle, we were ready. Even with the 1940's look, I was still slid into the machine so my nose was inches from the upper metal biscuit.
Once you're in there, there's not a whole lot to do but think. I used to fall asleep, but got in trouble for moving and snoring. I started to think about the lady out front, and as will happen, the Lord chimed in, "While I have you here, let's think about how you treated that woman." My first response was to defend myself, saying something along the lines of, "But You know I how much I hate stupid people." Silence. I'm not crazy about the silence. Then it dawns on me, I'm speaking to the Creator of the Universe and the Heavens. To Him, Mensa looks like a group of toddlers that can finger paint nice. "OK, I'll buy that, but I'm in pain." Again with the silence. I'm beginning to see where my mother learned this maneuver. How do I know if she isn't suffering? Sure it may not be physical pain, but what about a husband at home who has his won issues? Maybe she has a child in need, or never could have any children. Worse case, maybe she doesn't know my Lord. As I laid there, the pain increasing and the tech inserting a needle for the contrast medium, I was beginning to see what I see at different times during my journey in pain. I'm not alone in my suffering, but I have the best support available.
For those who know us, I obviously have a wife that I could not have dreamed up before I had met her. I've got a fifteen year old that still comes up to my room after school, jumps on the bed and fills me in on all the goings on in her life. My youngest, my Minnie, can't slow down enough to get on the bed, but she'll dance around and make sure I know who's doing what and what's new in her life. My folks are alive and live close by, as do both of my aunts, and I speak to one of my parents daily. I even speak to my mother-in-law daily, which once would have seemed more than odd, but now is a really great relationship One brother in town and another in Dallas, and we're still in touch and share our life and dreams. There are friends and a church community that won't let me wallow in solitude, even if I would like to at times. I even have friends on the internet who are as close to me as any friend could be. The net has also allowed me to connect to old friends, wherever they are scattered. Beyond all of this, though, is my One, True support. I have learned over the last five years of this journey that the Great Physician has treatments for everything that ails us, but he is most concerned with our soul first and foremost, then our bodies.
So I finished the test,and my pain was certainly higher than it was when I entered. Walking was a true challenge, even with my cane. The car ride home couldn't be quick enough, even with Stefanie driving. However, I came out of it better than when I went in. As my Lord lives, He has a way of calming my soul, no matter the ravage of my body. He forces me, though gently, to see the suffering of others while I'm in pain. This is why I suffer, this is also why I am grateful for this injury. One of my favorite authors is correct, CS Lewis said basically that the Lord screams to us in our pain. I'm a thick Irishman, I need to be screamed at! Blessings to all who have read this tale, kudos for just getting to the end!
I've done this test so often, I already know what to wear. Stefanie drove me to the office, which is a good idea considering the amount of my current medication level. I hobbled into the office, cane in hand and slowly made my way to the desk. We entered a huge office which was entirely empty. There was a woman behind the desk, which also rather large but empty, who seemed to be there just waiting for me to walk in. "How can I help you?" she asked. I gave her my name and said I had an appointment. "Have a seat and they'll call you soon" says she.
Stefanie and I headed for the large, empty waiting room and notice that the three leather couches were rather low. If I had sat down on one of them, we would have needed a Hoyer lift (crane for humans) to get me back up. I eyed one of three straight back chairs and decided to head for a safe haven to one of them. I gingerly eased myself into the seat and within fifteen seconds, the once nice lady yells out, "OK, Mr. Connolly. You can come over here for some papers and I need your medical card and a photo ID.". In, what I felt was my normal New York response mode, I yelled back, "Oh yeah, well come on over and get them!" Stefanie was up on her feet as if she had been shot out of a cannon. "I'll get them" she says. As she leans over me for my wallet, she says, "You know, you're cranky on those meds." Personally, I thought I was totally within my rights. I mean, who sends an old, lame and in pain man to sit down and then call them back like that? After we take care of business, Stefanie hands in the papers and the woman says, "OK, here are some more to fill out." Now, I'm like, "Are you playing with the cripple?" I didn't say it though, Stefanie would have really put the hurt on me, and she was my ride.
So, a short time later the tech comes out and calls me to follow her back to the machine. I must give credit when due, this woman was very good. After leaving my carry-all vest and glasses behind, I followed her into the room. Now I've had many MRI's for years now, and I must say this one was a first. It honestly reminded me of a machine from a 1940's Superman cartoon. It had two big biscuit looking metal things, one over the other, held up by two large metal walls on either end. The difference in looks aside, then came the familiar part. "You're here for your back? (No wait for reply.) OK, there's a really hard thing that I placed here on an even harder table that moves for me, but not enough to help you. Please lie on your back with your head going that way (as she give me the thumbs out to the right like she was teaching me how to hail a cab.)" All the medical advancement into the twenty-first century, and medicine still relies on making sure you're in pain. I shift my now overweight self onto the hard thing that's on a hard table and in spastic movements get into place. I hand over my cane, and she puts a wedge under my legs. Now I gotta tell you, this was the best wedge thingy I've ever been allowed to use. I've had old pillows rolled so tight, the feathers were popping through and pricking me in the back of my legs. This one was top notch and comfortable. Once the first hard thing was fastened around my middle, like some bullet proof girdle, we were ready. Even with the 1940's look, I was still slid into the machine so my nose was inches from the upper metal biscuit.
Once you're in there, there's not a whole lot to do but think. I used to fall asleep, but got in trouble for moving and snoring. I started to think about the lady out front, and as will happen, the Lord chimed in, "While I have you here, let's think about how you treated that woman." My first response was to defend myself, saying something along the lines of, "But You know I how much I hate stupid people." Silence. I'm not crazy about the silence. Then it dawns on me, I'm speaking to the Creator of the Universe and the Heavens. To Him, Mensa looks like a group of toddlers that can finger paint nice. "OK, I'll buy that, but I'm in pain." Again with the silence. I'm beginning to see where my mother learned this maneuver. How do I know if she isn't suffering? Sure it may not be physical pain, but what about a husband at home who has his won issues? Maybe she has a child in need, or never could have any children. Worse case, maybe she doesn't know my Lord. As I laid there, the pain increasing and the tech inserting a needle for the contrast medium, I was beginning to see what I see at different times during my journey in pain. I'm not alone in my suffering, but I have the best support available.
For those who know us, I obviously have a wife that I could not have dreamed up before I had met her. I've got a fifteen year old that still comes up to my room after school, jumps on the bed and fills me in on all the goings on in her life. My youngest, my Minnie, can't slow down enough to get on the bed, but she'll dance around and make sure I know who's doing what and what's new in her life. My folks are alive and live close by, as do both of my aunts, and I speak to one of my parents daily. I even speak to my mother-in-law daily, which once would have seemed more than odd, but now is a really great relationship One brother in town and another in Dallas, and we're still in touch and share our life and dreams. There are friends and a church community that won't let me wallow in solitude, even if I would like to at times. I even have friends on the internet who are as close to me as any friend could be. The net has also allowed me to connect to old friends, wherever they are scattered. Beyond all of this, though, is my One, True support. I have learned over the last five years of this journey that the Great Physician has treatments for everything that ails us, but he is most concerned with our soul first and foremost, then our bodies.
So I finished the test,and my pain was certainly higher than it was when I entered. Walking was a true challenge, even with my cane. The car ride home couldn't be quick enough, even with Stefanie driving. However, I came out of it better than when I went in. As my Lord lives, He has a way of calming my soul, no matter the ravage of my body. He forces me, though gently, to see the suffering of others while I'm in pain. This is why I suffer, this is also why I am grateful for this injury. One of my favorite authors is correct, CS Lewis said basically that the Lord screams to us in our pain. I'm a thick Irishman, I need to be screamed at! Blessings to all who have read this tale, kudos for just getting to the end!
15 October 2009
A Beginning, in the Middle
Originally, this blog was "Lame and in Pain" (still found within blogger), but that wasn't really what it was about. Yes I am in pain, but I am also ok with that. Then, I stopped posting any writing because I decided to start my own site for the blog. However, this has all fallen under the adage, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans". So I now write this, because my plans, or more to the point His, have changed.
As background to my story, allow me to indulge in a little stroll down memory lane. By the way, this is no small feat for someone on pain meds! As I was saying, back in the day I was the little guy in high school who wasn't so good at sports, but I realized there were a lot of girls in the theater club. So, seeing my opportunity, I became a song and dance man. Didn't do much for my macho image, but I also didn't have anymore problems finding dates either. One week after graduation, I was in basic training for the US Army Reserve. I'll fly over the details, but safe to say I hit my growth spurt while in the Army. Within two years I was 6'1" and 185lbs. Still having a dancers body, I threw myself into aggressive jobs and sports. Over the years, I was a soldier, security specialist, paramedic supervisor for the City of White Plains (our company was attached to their Police Dept) as well as having the EMS contract for Sing Sing Prison, a paramedic for NYC EMS (before our inclusion into FDNY and before we were heroes) stationed at the South Bronx-working most of the Bronx and Harlem across the 3rd Avenue bridge, taught CPR to prison employees and systems around the NY State area, was a trauma nurse for the US Army, then a chef, wait captain and bar manager, and even did retail sales, until finally having to settle for a desk job as my back was beginning to show wear. I started as a file clerk and worked my way up, while becoming licensed with the SEC and state insurances departments, to the position of District Manager of one of the county's premiere Financial Planning firms. My hobbies included rappelling, scuba diving, cliff jumping, karate, Tai Chi, martial art weapons, and driving anything and everything. Of course, while doing all of this I did do the smart thing and married. To be more specific, I married up! We have two beautiful daughters; one is my Italian Princess (her mom) and one is my Irish Princess (me own bloodline).
With all of that, it was at a mundane, Monday morning bank meeting that life changed for me. For those not up on the structure of the spine, our backs are made up of individual bones, cushioned by discs that act as bushings, while the nerves go down through the middle, and come out the sides at each level as needed. Well, on that fateful morning, my lowest disc completely ruptured and the pain it caused was excruciating. I had gone from full contact karate on Saturday, to being unable to walk on Monday, and all from sitting down. We tried a discectomy, a surgical procedure that removes the leftover disc material. Then I had about seven different shots of cortisone put directly into the spine, a device placed into the spinal canal to try and mask the pain, physical therapy, tests, and drugs. Lots of drugs. Nothing seemed to work.
A second MRI was ordered after the surgery. You know the test where they put you into a small, confining tube that sounds like they're using a jackhammer in it while you're inside? It showed my lumbar spine had moved 9mm forward of my sacrum, or back of my hips. Is that even possible? It also showed something called Degenerative Disc Disease. It wasn't only the last disc in my back that was ruptured, I also had others that were herniated, mostly in the lumbar or lower back, but also in the thoracic, which is the rib cage area. It seems that they were deteriorating at an alarming rate. What they had to say about the formation of my spine bones at the lower back made me wonder how I was able to walk for forty plus years.
My current back problem causes nerve pain down my right leg, like a constant electric current with pins and needles in a leg that feels swollen and somewhat numb. Spasms are routinely up and down the right side of my back; from my neck to my belt line. It happens so often I want to charge the spasms rent. For a while, I was on enough medication crack addicts were jealous. Finally, I found a really good pain management doctor, who was able to keep me on the least amount of medication and still not lose my mind due to the pain. However, I still spend 90% of my day in bed. I can't walk without a cane, and even then I can't walk for more than 15 feet. I tried a wheelchair, but sitting has just as much pressure on the point of issue as does standing. Recently, the left leg began to have nerve issues as well.
This all started in September of 2004. I've been told by "the best" surgeons that an operation cannot be an option, there's no guarantee it will help. Well, five years is too much. In the next several weeks, I will be having some tests redone, and have decided to allow a neurologist to do whatever surgery he deems best. It's not so much that I am at my breaking point, it's more that I can't ask my family to continue to live around me. My fifteen year old, just learning to drive, was only able to get 30 minutes of dad time in the car. I was a paramedic, and I've driven everything from motorcycles to large military trucks with trailers, and obviously ambulances at high speeds. If anyone should be helping her, it's her dad. And as for my Minnie, she's energetic and heading for the basketball team. It will be hard for her hear me cheer from bed!
So why blessing in pain? All this sounds pretty down, like a guy who has little to be happy about. Okay, it may not be full blown happiness, but I do have great joy! You see, years before my body rejected my activities, I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into my heart. From then on, I was a follower of the Way of the risen Christ. years later, when I did become disabled, I decided to look online for some help. Not just about back injuries, but how people dealt with being disabled in general. You know what I found? Two ways people wrote about pain and suffering: Either pray right and you'll get better because the Lord says so, or all sorts of homeopathic, spiritual, don't trust modern medicine, karma stuff. What happened to Biblical teaching? Our own Savior was called by Isaiah the suffering servant even before he was born. The apostle Paul was given a great vision, and also a "thorn in the flesh" so as not to get too proud. Judeo-Christianity has a long line of suffering individuals, and it's not always a bad thing. Those of us who are suffering for whatever reason, have with them the best support to be found anywhere in heaven and earth.
This has been a long introduction and I apologize for its length. From here on, I will post my testing, my ups and downs, and my surgery with its subsequent rehabilitation. I have no idea what I am in for. What I do know is this: My Lord is with me. His Word guides me, and His Holy Spirit holds me up. I will be happy to discuss Job, Paul, Jesus, Peter, Moses, Abraham, and all of our forefathers who suffered in body, mind, and of soul, showing that it is not the mere suffering that is wrong, but how we answer its call. Join me as I work towards a new way towards healing, all the while accepting the suffering that may come with it. It will never be about the healing itself, but about the journey God has laid before me.
As background to my story, allow me to indulge in a little stroll down memory lane. By the way, this is no small feat for someone on pain meds! As I was saying, back in the day I was the little guy in high school who wasn't so good at sports, but I realized there were a lot of girls in the theater club. So, seeing my opportunity, I became a song and dance man. Didn't do much for my macho image, but I also didn't have anymore problems finding dates either. One week after graduation, I was in basic training for the US Army Reserve. I'll fly over the details, but safe to say I hit my growth spurt while in the Army. Within two years I was 6'1" and 185lbs. Still having a dancers body, I threw myself into aggressive jobs and sports. Over the years, I was a soldier, security specialist, paramedic supervisor for the City of White Plains (our company was attached to their Police Dept) as well as having the EMS contract for Sing Sing Prison, a paramedic for NYC EMS (before our inclusion into FDNY and before we were heroes) stationed at the South Bronx-working most of the Bronx and Harlem across the 3rd Avenue bridge, taught CPR to prison employees and systems around the NY State area, was a trauma nurse for the US Army, then a chef, wait captain and bar manager, and even did retail sales, until finally having to settle for a desk job as my back was beginning to show wear. I started as a file clerk and worked my way up, while becoming licensed with the SEC and state insurances departments, to the position of District Manager of one of the county's premiere Financial Planning firms. My hobbies included rappelling, scuba diving, cliff jumping, karate, Tai Chi, martial art weapons, and driving anything and everything. Of course, while doing all of this I did do the smart thing and married. To be more specific, I married up! We have two beautiful daughters; one is my Italian Princess (her mom) and one is my Irish Princess (me own bloodline).
With all of that, it was at a mundane, Monday morning bank meeting that life changed for me. For those not up on the structure of the spine, our backs are made up of individual bones, cushioned by discs that act as bushings, while the nerves go down through the middle, and come out the sides at each level as needed. Well, on that fateful morning, my lowest disc completely ruptured and the pain it caused was excruciating. I had gone from full contact karate on Saturday, to being unable to walk on Monday, and all from sitting down. We tried a discectomy, a surgical procedure that removes the leftover disc material. Then I had about seven different shots of cortisone put directly into the spine, a device placed into the spinal canal to try and mask the pain, physical therapy, tests, and drugs. Lots of drugs. Nothing seemed to work.
A second MRI was ordered after the surgery. You know the test where they put you into a small, confining tube that sounds like they're using a jackhammer in it while you're inside? It showed my lumbar spine had moved 9mm forward of my sacrum, or back of my hips. Is that even possible? It also showed something called Degenerative Disc Disease. It wasn't only the last disc in my back that was ruptured, I also had others that were herniated, mostly in the lumbar or lower back, but also in the thoracic, which is the rib cage area. It seems that they were deteriorating at an alarming rate. What they had to say about the formation of my spine bones at the lower back made me wonder how I was able to walk for forty plus years.
My current back problem causes nerve pain down my right leg, like a constant electric current with pins and needles in a leg that feels swollen and somewhat numb. Spasms are routinely up and down the right side of my back; from my neck to my belt line. It happens so often I want to charge the spasms rent. For a while, I was on enough medication crack addicts were jealous. Finally, I found a really good pain management doctor, who was able to keep me on the least amount of medication and still not lose my mind due to the pain. However, I still spend 90% of my day in bed. I can't walk without a cane, and even then I can't walk for more than 15 feet. I tried a wheelchair, but sitting has just as much pressure on the point of issue as does standing. Recently, the left leg began to have nerve issues as well.
This all started in September of 2004. I've been told by "the best" surgeons that an operation cannot be an option, there's no guarantee it will help. Well, five years is too much. In the next several weeks, I will be having some tests redone, and have decided to allow a neurologist to do whatever surgery he deems best. It's not so much that I am at my breaking point, it's more that I can't ask my family to continue to live around me. My fifteen year old, just learning to drive, was only able to get 30 minutes of dad time in the car. I was a paramedic, and I've driven everything from motorcycles to large military trucks with trailers, and obviously ambulances at high speeds. If anyone should be helping her, it's her dad. And as for my Minnie, she's energetic and heading for the basketball team. It will be hard for her hear me cheer from bed!
So why blessing in pain? All this sounds pretty down, like a guy who has little to be happy about. Okay, it may not be full blown happiness, but I do have great joy! You see, years before my body rejected my activities, I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into my heart. From then on, I was a follower of the Way of the risen Christ. years later, when I did become disabled, I decided to look online for some help. Not just about back injuries, but how people dealt with being disabled in general. You know what I found? Two ways people wrote about pain and suffering: Either pray right and you'll get better because the Lord says so, or all sorts of homeopathic, spiritual, don't trust modern medicine, karma stuff. What happened to Biblical teaching? Our own Savior was called by Isaiah the suffering servant even before he was born. The apostle Paul was given a great vision, and also a "thorn in the flesh" so as not to get too proud. Judeo-Christianity has a long line of suffering individuals, and it's not always a bad thing. Those of us who are suffering for whatever reason, have with them the best support to be found anywhere in heaven and earth.
This has been a long introduction and I apologize for its length. From here on, I will post my testing, my ups and downs, and my surgery with its subsequent rehabilitation. I have no idea what I am in for. What I do know is this: My Lord is with me. His Word guides me, and His Holy Spirit holds me up. I will be happy to discuss Job, Paul, Jesus, Peter, Moses, Abraham, and all of our forefathers who suffered in body, mind, and of soul, showing that it is not the mere suffering that is wrong, but how we answer its call. Join me as I work towards a new way towards healing, all the while accepting the suffering that may come with it. It will never be about the healing itself, but about the journey God has laid before me.
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