A Beginning, in the Middle

Originally, this blog was "Lame and in Pain" (still found within blogger), but that wasn't really what it was about. Yes I am in pain, but I am also ok with that. Then, I stopped posting any writing because I decided to start my own site for the blog. However, this has all fallen under the adage, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans". So I now write this, because my plans, or more to the point His, have changed.

As background to my story, allow me to indulge in a little stroll down memory lane. By the way, this is no small feat for someone on pain meds! As I was saying, back in the day I was the little guy in high school who wasn't so good at sports, but I realized there were a lot of girls in the theater club. So, seeing my opportunity, I became a song and dance man. Didn't do much for my macho image, but I also didn't have anymore problems finding dates either. One week after graduation, I was in basic training for the US Army Reserve. I'll fly over the details, but safe to say I hit my growth spurt while in the Army. Within two years I was 6'1" and 185lbs. Still having a dancers body, I threw myself into aggressive jobs and sports. Over the years, I was a soldier, security specialist, paramedic supervisor for the City of White Plains (our company was attached to their Police Dept) as well as having the EMS contract for Sing Sing Prison, a paramedic for NYC EMS (before our inclusion into FDNY and before we were heroes) stationed at the South Bronx-working most of the Bronx and Harlem across the 3rd Avenue bridge, taught CPR to prison employees and systems around the NY State area, was a trauma nurse for the US Army, then a chef, wait captain and bar manager, and even did retail sales, until finally having to settle for a desk job as my back was beginning to show wear. I started as a file clerk and worked my way up, while becoming licensed with the SEC and state insurances departments, to the position of District Manager of one of the county's premiere Financial Planning firms. My hobbies included rappelling, scuba diving, cliff jumping, karate, Tai Chi, martial art weapons, and driving anything and everything. Of course, while doing all of this I did do the smart thing and married. To be more specific, I married up! We have two beautiful daughters; one is my Italian Princess (her mom) and one is my Irish Princess (me own bloodline).

With all of that, it was at a mundane, Monday morning bank meeting that life changed for me. For those not up on the structure of the spine, our backs are made up of individual bones, cushioned by discs that act as bushings, while the nerves go down through the middle, and come out the sides at each level as needed. Well, on that fateful morning, my lowest disc completely ruptured and the pain it caused was excruciating. I had gone from full contact karate on Saturday, to being unable to walk on Monday, and all from sitting down. We tried a discectomy, a surgical procedure that removes the leftover disc material. Then I had about seven different shots of cortisone put directly into the spine, a device placed into the spinal canal to try and mask the pain, physical therapy, tests, and drugs. Lots of drugs. Nothing seemed to work.

A second MRI was ordered after the surgery. You know the test where they put you into a small, confining tube that sounds like they're using a jackhammer in it while you're inside? It showed my lumbar spine had moved 9mm forward of my sacrum, or back of my hips. Is that even possible? It also showed something called Degenerative Disc Disease. It wasn't only the last disc in my back that was ruptured, I also had others that were herniated, mostly in the lumbar or lower back, but also in the thoracic, which is the rib cage area. It seems that they were deteriorating at an alarming rate. What they had to say about the formation of my spine bones at the lower back made me wonder how I was able to walk for forty plus years.

My current back problem causes nerve pain down my right leg, like a constant electric current with pins and needles in a leg that feels swollen and somewhat numb. Spasms are routinely up and down the right side of my back; from my neck to my belt line. It happens so often I want to charge the spasms rent. For a while, I was on enough medication crack addicts were jealous. Finally, I found a really good pain management doctor, who was able to keep me on the least amount of medication and still not lose my mind due to the pain. However, I still spend 90% of my day in bed. I can't walk without a cane, and even then I can't walk for more than 15 feet. I tried a wheelchair, but sitting has just as much pressure on the point of issue as does standing. Recently, the left leg began to have nerve issues as well.

This all started in September of 2004. I've been told by "the best" surgeons that an operation cannot be an option, there's no guarantee it will help. Well, five years is too much. In the next several weeks, I will be having some tests redone, and have decided to allow a neurologist to do whatever surgery he deems best. It's not so much that I am at my breaking point, it's more that I can't ask my family to continue to live around me. My fifteen year old, just learning to drive, was only able to get 30 minutes of dad time in the car. I was a paramedic, and I've driven everything from motorcycles to large military trucks with trailers, and obviously ambulances at high speeds. If anyone should be helping her, it's her dad. And as for my Minnie, she's energetic and heading for the basketball team. It will be hard for her hear me cheer from bed!

So why blessing in pain? All this sounds pretty down, like a guy who has little to be happy about. Okay, it may not be full blown happiness, but I do have great joy! You see, years before my body rejected my activities, I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into my heart. From then on, I was a follower of the Way of the risen Christ. years later, when I did become disabled, I decided to look online for some help. Not just about back injuries, but how people dealt with being disabled in general. You know what I found? Two ways people wrote about pain and suffering: Either pray right and you'll get better because the Lord says so, or all sorts of homeopathic, spiritual, don't trust modern medicine, karma stuff. What happened to Biblical teaching? Our own Savior was called by Isaiah the suffering servant even before he was born. The apostle Paul was given a great vision, and also a "thorn in the flesh" so as not to get too proud. Judeo-Christianity has a long line of suffering individuals, and it's not always a bad thing. Those of us who are suffering for whatever reason, have with them the best support to be found anywhere in heaven and earth.

This has been a long introduction and I apologize for its length. From here on, I will post my testing, my ups and downs, and my surgery with its subsequent rehabilitation. I have no idea what I am in for. What I do know is this: My Lord is with me. His Word guides me, and His Holy Spirit holds me up. I will be happy to discuss Job, Paul, Jesus, Peter, Moses, Abraham, and all of our forefathers who suffered in body, mind, and of soul, showing that it is not the mere suffering that is wrong, but how we answer its call. Join me as I work towards a new way towards healing, all the while accepting the suffering that may come with it. It will never be about the healing itself, but about the journey God has laid before me.